Love Is A Paraphilia

Here goes everything: An attempt to live a more authentic life.

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What does living an authentic life mean to you? It is going to differ from person to person, but it is the ultimate goal. Right? To live a life you love, work hard for, appreciate and are proud of.

For some it looks like power, fame, money, sex, and admiration and others genuinely just want to be left the fuck alone most of the time. I have spent a year trying to cut through disgusting layers of insecurity, trauma, low self-esteem, depression and distortions. To give myself the opportunity, space and freedom to try to find out who the fuck I really am. Not the person I show my family, or the cashier at Wal-Mart, or my landlord. Me. The person I am alone with when no one else is around. I have never liked that person. I am realizing its because I never really have been that person that I didn’t like. It was armor I wore even when looking at myself.

I have never valued myself enough to even take a chance to be the woman I want to be. The me I can only fantasize about when I’ve had a few glasses of wine and the self-loathing eases.

The woman I think about then?

She’s fucking hot, folks!

She loves her family. She takes care of herself. She embraces her sexuality. She says the things she wants to say, because she has confidence that the things she has to say are important and worth hearing. She laughs freely. She’s a dynamo in bed. She feels pride in her submission. She knows she is a catch. She takes risks. She trusts and is trustworthy. She is clever and witty. She knows what she wants. She is proud of her art. She talks openly about her needs. She is compassionate and empathetic.  She is a passionate lover.

I am learning and trying to accept that the only thing stopping me from being any of that is ME. So, I am trying to make small changes in my life that allow me to live more authentically, to put myself and my work out into the universe because it deserves to be there just as much as anyone else’s.

The most recent change I made was separating my blogs and Twitter accounts. I always want to participate in the sexy weekly prompts, but worry that it isn’t the tone I had already set in my mental health blog and the followers that I have there and on my personal Twitter might not appreciate being surprised by a picture of my ass, or my talk of a delicious spanking session.

Making that “public” separation gives me a little more freedom to interact and be more honest in my socialization.

A question that stood out to me the most in my quest to decide what an authentic life would look like for me was this:

If you really knew me, you’d know this:_____________________.

I recognized immediately that very few people know me and that made me a little sad. I would like to think that I am learning I have some positive things to put in that space that no one but my partner knows about. How could they? I have never even tried to embrace the person I want to be and live honestly. I have never given anyone a chance to know me, because frankly, I didn’t know me. I am just starting to now.

I do know that if you really knew me you’d know:

I don’t know exactly where I plan to go from here, but I know I want to be more honest with myself and the people around me because I am finally starting to see that I have value and that someone might benefit from hearing about my struggle.

 

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